I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
