Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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