Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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