You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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