Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
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just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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