Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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