Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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