well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize