I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
