I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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