when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
