im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
