Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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