Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
