I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
