whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
