all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
