Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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