I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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