Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
