so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
