Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
