forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
