the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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