ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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