We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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