Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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