im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
