so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
