Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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