the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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