Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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