I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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