We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
