At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
