Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
