Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
