Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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