just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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