If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
