Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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