you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
