by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
