you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
