no, he came in my armpit
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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