I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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