I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
