She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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