But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
