So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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