I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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