Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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