It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
