I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
