My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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