Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Houston, we have a squirter
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
