During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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