Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
