So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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