I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
